I always look forward to October, the month when the world --the western world--celebrates the occult. I have been a fan of witches, ghouls, eldritch, and the macabre forever!
October 2018 was no exception. I looked forward to it, and even the black cat that slipped across my path on Halloween night got me excited.
It was bad omen, of course. Exactly a week later, I experienced the worst tragedy of my life.
My mom slipped from the world.
Every day I wake up and think about the circumstances -- how I could've prevented it, and all the things I did wrong, like being upset she was sick, again, and also not taking her to the hospital in the morning.
I was stupid and selfish, and wished we did more together. But all that has passed. I have no magic wand or time-traveling contraption to return to that day in November 2018.
This October feels sober.
I have all the same feelings of excitement, but they are muted. Each time I allow myself to feel joy, my guilt, pain and sadness stifle that joy.
As the one year anniversary comes up, I admit, I still don't know how to cope.
But I have been dong so for nearly a year and will try ...
The last month has been hell for me, the worst, heart-crushing experience of my life. I lost my mother, and there's no magic in the world that can bring her back, no spell to cast to undo the ravages of time and death, the destroyers of worlds. It's hard to move on, not while I'd prefer to crawl away from the world and sleep it off. I have little energy to write, and am confused and resentful that the world keeps moving without my mother.
I am haunted by her memories, woken deep into the night by her calling my name, and stuck in the psychological torment of "what if". I hid my writing from her. She knew I wrote, but never truly read any of my work, and I regret wholeheartedly all the missed opportunities, hugs, and communications, and there's now no way to re-do these never-moments. All of my tomorrows are not worthy enough to regain the 40 yesterdays and counting since she was here.
I'll have to find a way, even if the things I love are bitter and useless to my existence in the current time. It's what my mother would've wanted. Always and forever!